Names say a lot about us, even though we don’t get to pick them. I’ve always been a pretty big proponent of safe names as opposed to wacky inanimate or stripper-esque names for kids. However if your child becomes a pro athlete, it’s got to be pretty cool to be able to give them a bad ass handle to have on their jersey or marquee. So today, I’m going to break down some of the coolest names in pro sports. Not the best athletes, or even the coolest. But just those with some pretty rad handles that stand out from the rest and make you think “damn, that’s a cool name for that dude!”.

10- Dale Earnhardt Jr.

 

Regardless of how you feel about NASCAR, you hear the name Dale Earhardt Jr and you immediately think of a good ‘ol boy, tearing up a dirt road, Lynyrd Skynyrd blasting out of the stereo and a cooler full of Bud in the trunk. Maybe I’m the only person who thinks that, but D.E.J. has pretty much the best name in auto racing because it sums up the sport of stock car racing in his entire name.

9- Mickey Mantle

 

Maybe it’s because we associate Mickey with Mickey Mouse, but I’ve always thought that Mickey Mantle sounded like one of the nicest, kindest, sweetest guys around. Apparently he was too sweet, because Mick had ladies all over the countryside, even going so far as to bring his mistress AND his wife to his retirement ceremony.

8- Pacino Horne

 

Pacino Horne plays for the Toronto Argonauts and while he’s not the most well known player going, he’s got one hell of a cool handle. Apparently Pacino’s mom was a huge Scarface fan and realized that while she couldn’t name her baby Scarface, she could name him after the man who played him. Walking around with the first name Pacino must add a little swagger to your step.

7- Miroslav Satan

 

I know you don’t pronounce his name the same was as the man downstairs’, but for pete’s sake, he has SATAN stitched across the back of his jersey. How cool is that? Are you going to try and run Satan into the boards?

 

6-  Quentin Jammer

Quentin Jammer isn’t one of the most well known athletes in the NFL, but I’ll be dammed if he doesn’t have one of the best names, especially for a cornerback. Jammer. One who jams that receiver up at the line. And a name like Quentin? This dude probably struts around in long shorts and wraparound shades 24/7 and I’m OK with that.

 

5- Macho Harris

 

Macho Harris is a DB for the Saskatchewan Roughriders and has a tough guy sounding handle. So tough, the adjective IS the name. Don’t mess around with Macho.

4- Coco Crisp

 

Sounds like a tasty cereal, but can hit so sweetly. Coco Crisp became a favorite of mine during the A’s big streak to the MLB playoffs last year. He just LOOKS exactly how he sounds too. Coco Crisp, hit runs, stealin’ bases * sh*t.

 

3- Marvin Hagler

 

Marvn Hagler sounds exactly like what he is: a bad ass, stone cold boxing machine. Possibly a low level boss in a video game, but definitely a boxer with style and a cold blooded edge. As someone who has no idea who Marvin Hagler is to close their eyes and describe someone named Marvin Hagler. It would probably look just like the picture above.

 

2- Cal Clutterbuck

 

As a guy who reads names all day on the radio, being able to say Cal Clutterbuck is always a treat. It just rolls of the tongue and sounds fantastic. It perfectly suits his style and nature. Most hockey players have boring or un-pronounceable names. Not Cal Clutterbuck. I want him to succeed, just so I can keep saying his name.

 

1- Cassius Clay/Muhammad Ali

 

This is how amazing Muhammad Ali is: he has been the owner of the two coolest names in sports. Cassius Clay rolls of the tongue and sounds smooth, intense yet vicious, just like his style. And Muhammad Ali sounds so big, so funky and so epic, it perfectly suits the man, the legend and the personality. Maybe I put Muhammad Ali’s name on a pedestal because of his fighting style and life, but damn if it isn’t the coolest of the cool anyways.

 

Who’s got your favorite name?

 

JC