Well Spring is technically here so we can pretend that Summer is basically dry humping distance away. One of the best things about summer aside from weather, camping, patio beers, skateboarding, driving with the windows down, listening to music, barbequing, smoking cigars, wearing shorts and thundertorms are all the rad movies that drop over the spring and summer.

Today on The List, I’m going to run down 5 movies I’m pretty stoked about seeing.

5) Elysium

Matt Damon, kicking ass in a post-apocalyptic future. Jodie Foster. Dystopia vs Utopia. Sign me up.

4) The Wolverine

I’m pretty much the only man on earth who was a fan of the first Wolverine movie, but The Wolverine looks even better. I’m a fan of Wolverine’s comic book work in Japan and this film appears to be a good mix of cannon, story line and action.

3) The Lone Ranger

First of all, Johnny Depp COULD have been The Lone Ranger, but I’m pretty sure he decided it would be way more fun for him to be the wise cracking Tonto. I love the look and feel of this movie: a big budget action western, not hung up on period correctness. It’s been a long, long time since we’ve had a western like this and I can’t wait. Also: I’m thinking about dressing as the Lone Ranger all 10 days of Stampede.

2) The Place Beyond The Pines

Ryan Gosling seems like he’s every girls dream, but I also think he’s cool and kind of a bad ass. I’m really looking forward to his turn as a white trash dirtbike hero turned bankrobber turned loser in this film, mashed up against Ray Liotta and Bradley Cooper on the other side of things. It feels a lot like Drive, which I loved, but not as much as Gosling’s other movie…

1) Only God Forgives

Everything about this screams violent art house love fest. It reeks of sexuality, violence and the sort of brooding anti hero we’ve seen from Gosling in movies like Gangster Squad and Drive. It also has Drive’s director. Very, very stoked.

James

My Twitter and Facebook feeds have blown up this week in excitement over this new video from Calgary economic development in an attempt to showcase our city as a thriving, dynamic metropolis to tourists and potential residents alike.

For what it’s worth, it’s really well done and features local duo Jocelyn & Lisa with a catchy new song. In 2 minutes and 40 seconds it touches on a lot of awesome things about Calgary; our pathway system, the under-used Canada Olympic Park, sunshine, festivals, fun night spots like the Ship & Anchor all mixed in with Jocelyn & Lisa performing their tune outside of the historic Bay building downtown. However, after watching it a few times, there were a few things that don’t sit right with me. It’s cool and fun but it just doesn’t feel quite right to me for a few reasons. Reasons that I’m about to lay out in The List (in no particular order).

6) Holy Crap Calgary Is Sunny!

Is this Calgary or Southern California? Aside from a few beautiful snowflakes, Calgary looks like it has amazing weather! In all seriousness, did they shoot this on every sunny day last year? I have nothing against Calgary’s weather but we all know what you’re showing is the exception rather than the rule.

5) Calgary looks hip but where do I go to see some live music?

I think it’s awesome Calgary Economic Development used a local act throughout this video. Someone who sees this from outside our city could potentially travel to our city to see Jocelyn & Lisa. That’s rad. However I feel like aside from the song, there was next to no feeling of a musical climate in our city. A slight shot of Folk Fest, but no Sled Island/XFest or even something inside of one of the great venues. For all of the shots of people going out at night, they sure aren’t going out to see any music. Maybe it’s just me but on any given night you can hit up 5-6 venues to see something going down.

4) Lots of skateboarding for a city that isn’t skate friendly

As someone who is bad at skateboarding but is a skateboard supporter, I found it pretty shocking to see so much footage of skateboarding in a city that lags behind  metropolises like Airdrie and Cochrane when it comes in infrastructure and tolerance of skateboarding. This town is easily one of the most un-friendly places to skate. There’s no indoor park, a horrible ratio of facilities to users and BUILDING YOUR OWN RAMP ON YOUR OWN PROPERTY IS ILLEGAL. The dudes shooting on the downtown corner would likely be chased away by bylaw or CPS if they saw them.

3) Where’s the rest of the city?

I get it. The subburbs are boring. Everything sucks in Calgary aside from the downtown, Nosehill and COP. But no Fishcreek Park? One 2 second clip of Heritage Park?

2) Like it or not, the Stampede is a big deal…where is that?

So we had a shot of the Stampede fireworks, some line dancing, and a shot of the grandstand show. All awesome things. But like it or not the Stampede is a massive draw and part of our city and culture. It’s fine if you don’t want to show chuckwagon racing or steer wrestling but no Stampede parade or pancake breakfast footage? No midway? No little kids petting a baby calf in the barns? C’mon guys, that’s gold.

1) Lots of racial diversity, zero cultural diversity

One of my friend posted the video on their newfeed with the caption “I’m apparently not sporty, dynamic or successful enough to live in Calgary”. It was a joke, but it seems like this entire video was really aimed at a late 20′s/30′s, mainly white female demo. Sure, Calgary is a great place to be active and do active things, but I couldn’t help but notice the remarkable lack of cultural diversity. Sure, there’s plenty of people from other races featured, but none of the Afro-cuban festivities during Carifest, or the fun Expo Latino, and zero mention of the city’s long standing pan-Asian community. It just seemed like that whole video was an almost 3 minute tribute to Stuff White People Like.

As a citizen of Calgary, I love this town and for the record, I think the video was well done. I just think it missed the mark in a few areas and seemed to stretch it in a few others. I still congratulate Calgary Economic Development on a job well done in taking the right direction in promoting our city.

James

My new lawyer proof Flames logo

Man, what a time to be a Flames fan. Lots has gone down in the past week and I’ve been kind of holding off writing about it because I wanted to wrap my head around what’s happening. To tell you the truth, I’m not sure I totally have. Today on The List, I’m going to throw all my random thoughts on what’s happening with our hockey team in a non-sensical fashion. I know some of you aren’t going to agree with me, but that’s hockey.

1) This Is The Right Thing To Do.

The blow up should have happened 2-3 years ago. At least when Darryl went out the door. Either way, better late than never.

2) This Isn’t Jay Feasters Fault

Don’t blame the fat man. He’s inherited this mess from the Sutters. A mess that was signed off on by upper management and ownership.

3) I Don’t Have Much Faith In Feaster

Sure, I don’t blame him for this mess, but I don’t have much confidence in him being the guy to get the team out of this hole and back into fighting shape. Nor his lackey Weisbrod (just check out Weisbrod’s success in Orlando…blech)

4) Hartley Doesn’t Wow Me Either

Nice guy. Gets the team to work. But do we need an old war horse to get this team on the right path again? Hell no.

5) If The Team Goes Younger, So Should The People Running It

Let’s get some crazy new blood into running this team. Not grizzled vets with year of NHL experience. The NHL is young and not your dad’s league. Let’s get some young maverick on the bench and in the GM’s office. Would it really be worse than what we already have?

6) Iggy Isn’t Coming Back

If you think Iggy is coming back to Calgary when he becomes a UFA, I also have some oceanfront property in Lethbridge to sell you. You can’t go home.

7) I’m Excited About The Future

Mainly because who knows what it’s going to hold. We’re going to go Young Guns II here, so be prepared for some wild stuff, some mild stuff and a lot of guys you’ve never heard of playing in Calgary like back in the Valerie Bure days. Crazy, freewheeling hockey? Why not! It’s not like this team is going to be a winner anytime soon, let’s just roll with it and have some fun.

Bring Back Ol’ Blasty

If we are going Young Guns II, let’s bring back Ol’ Blasty, the most maligned yet most bad ass jersey in Flames history. Do it Feaster.

9) Let’s Get A New Goal Song

The upside of the rest of this season is that I won’t be hearing Duck Sauce too often at the Saddledome. Something. Anything. How about Social Distortion’s cover of Ring Of Fire?

10) Brian McGrattan Is Awesome

Dude scores, beats guys up, loves dogs and tattoos. I’m glad he’s back. And Brian, if you’re reading this, let’s hang out. Ok? I know you don’t drink, so instead do you wanna like, go for a burger or something?

11) Call Sven Up

Baertchi had his ass handed to him at the beginning of the year. Might as well bring him up now and show him off a little. And while we’re at it, how about Blair Jones? #goblairjones

12) Blake Comeau Doesn’t Play Here Anymore

Which means my brother in law’s drinking game involving taking a swig for every time he fell on the ice can’t be played anymore. Too bad.

13) I Don’t Care For Dennis Wideman

Never have and he hasn’t impressed me. Oh well.

14) I Don’t Know Who Should Be Captain Next Year

Glencross or Giordano? I like them both. Gio is quiet but Scoreface still talks like a 15 year old bantam player. Can’t make up my mind.

15) Kipper Didn’t Screw The Team Over

What would we have gotten for him? He said himself he’s not what he used to be. I don’t care if he sticks around for the rest of the year and retires. Big deal. Mike Keenan was on the record over a year ago saying when Kipper signed his big deal he had every intention of not playing out the last year. Retire, and Forever a Flame him or retire his number or whatever the hell it is they do to awesome players in Calgary nowadays. The guy kept this team above water for years, was the reason 2004 happened and made this team what it was. And you want to show him the door for a couple of lame ass prospects and a lousy pick? You think the Leafs were going to give up a first rounder? C’mon.

16) I Still Love This Team

And I always will. Go Flames Go.

Easter is upon us friends and while it’s not as festive as Christmas, as excellent as Thanksgiving or as fun as Halloween, it’s not a bad holiday. It’ s like Christmas, but with less pressure, better weather, less booze and horrible pastels. And the candy. I’m a-ok with a holiday that’s all about the candy but has anyone ever noticed that Easter candy falls around 70/30 when it comes to bad and good? I initially started rolling out this List as delicious Easter candy, but then I realized there was more lousy, gross candy than good.

5) Any Chocolate/Marshmallow Combination

Marshmallow: Don't believe the hype

I can’t stand marshmallow. It’s weird and it doesn’t taste like anything other than sugar and grossness. Somewhere, someone decided that marshmallow was symbolic of Easter and then got the idea to cover it with chocolate and pass if off as being good. It’s not. Marshmallow sucks. Quit wasting good chocolate on it. Especially you, Cadbury’s.

4) Cadbury Creme Eggs

Let's take some great chocolate and stuff it full of disgusting

I’ve hated these since was a kid. Way way way too sweet. And that white stuff? Gets everywhere! It doesn’t really taste like anything yet succeeds in ruining the delicious taste of Cadbury’s chocolate. When these wind up in my easter basket, they will always be traded for something superior.

3) Peeps

Peeps: Not Even Once

I don’t even really know what the hell Peeps taste like, but it doesn’t seem right. The name alone kind of gives me the creeps, but the weird fruit and marshmallow taste doesn’t even have chocolate to help it out, so it just purely sucks all on its own. I’ll at least give it credit for looking like something, but still. Peeps are gross. Okay, peeps?

2) Pastel Coloured Jelly Beans

This picture makes me want to puke

Every jelly bean sucks (save for a few Jelly Belly flavors) except for green and black ones. The worst offenders are the pastel coloured jelly beans. In fact, I hate the pastel Easter jelly beans so much that they actually made me hate pastel colours, so every time I see someone wearing what they think is a cute/sharp springish outfit decked out in pastels, I feel like gagging. So thanks lousy pastel coloured jelly beans. You’re wrecking my life.

1) Cheap Generic Foil Covered Chocolate Eggs

You think they'll be good. But they won't.

I’m talking the really cheap, dollar store chocolate eggs. Those things are disgusting. Like, the chocolate is almost whitish in colour, to the point where you’re wondering if you really should be eating them. I swear their chocolate is cut with extra white sugar to make them go a little further, then wrapped in really bad foil so you can’t get it all off and it stings your fillings when you pop it in your mouth. It took me a long time to realize that just because something is chocolate, it doesn’t mean it’s good and this is the living proof of that.

Now, while I’m on the hate train at the moment, here’s my favorite Easter candy, just to put it in perspective

1) Reeses Peanut Butter Eggs
2) Cadbury’s Mini Eggs
3) Oh Henry Eggs
4) Cadbury Chocolate Bunnies
5) Lindor Chocolate Rabbits

Got a favorite Easter treat? Was I off the mark and hate on your favorite? Let me know!

-James/NB

 It’s going to be a snowy and possibly cold weekend in Calgary, so if you’re not going to go out and play in the snow, then why not check out a few decent movies? My friend Mike Morrison runs a great Canadian entertainment blog called Mikes Bloggity Blog and a few weeks back he got on the topic of Canadian movies on Facebook. Turns out Mike hasn’t seen too many of my favorite Canuck films, so I thought today on The List that I would re-visit some of my favorite pieces of Canadian Cinema that have ever graced my VCR, DVD player, PVR or Netlfix.

5) Goon

While it’s not the best or the funniest hockey movie ever made (both honors go to Slapshot) it is a fine piece of gut busting comedy. And while a Canadian isn’t in the lead role, it is primarily filmed in Canada and directed and produced in Canada and it’s all about the game we love so much. It’s also Seann William Scott’s best movie. Because I hate Stifler.

4) Passchendaele

Passhcendaele details what the first world war was like for so many boys (and girls) from Calgary & Alberta. Paul Gross not only starred but wrote, directed, produced and drummed up money for the epic, which was also on the receiving end of a 5.5 million dollar grant from the Alberta government. It tells a tale of how soliders from Calgary were recruited and sent off to fight and die in the bloody, muddy fields of Belgium. Some of it was actually based on a story that Paul Gross’ grandfather told him when he was a child. Heavy on epic shots and battle scenes, Passchendaele falls a little flat in the actual story and acting department. It’s still worth a watch none the less, especially if you are a history, war or Calgary buff.

3) Dance Me Outside

Dance Me Outside is the first Bruce McDonald movie I saw and it really stuck with me. It’s a story of life growing up on an Ontario First Nations reserve with the characters and situations that go along with it, when the semi-funny and idyllic story takes a dark turn after a local girl is murdered and the man who did it gets a light sentence. The young people of the community plot revenge. A fine film from my favorite Canadian director, but not his best work. Excellent performances from Adam Beach and Ryan Black.

2) Fubar

Fubar is a timeless picture about two dudes most people growing up in Western Canada new. Dudes who never graduated, rolled their own smokes, rolled around in broken down trucks and Oldsmobiles and were still rolling tight jeans and puffy-tongued sneakers well past their prime. The crew behind Fubar took those characters and turned them into loveable losers with a genuine story to tell. It’s filmed right here in Calgary (and High River & Bragg Creek) and still stands the test of time. I swear it was responsible for the re-birth of Pilsner’s popularity and the characters of Deaner and Terry have practically become full time occupations for Paul Spence and David Lawrence.

1) Hard Core Logo

Hard Core Logo isn’t just a great Canadian movie. It’s simply a Great movie. Easily the finest piece of film from Bruce McDonald, it details the story of  legendary Canadian punk band that never quite got their due, reuniting for one last tour. It has great music, shows off Canada in true road trip fashion and has some fine work from Hugh Dillon (who basically became an actor after this), Callum Keith Rennie (who used it as a springboard into the US) and Julian Richings (who’s awesome as always as Bucky Haight). Hard Core Logo should be required viewing for all Canadian music fans.

There’s been lots of outcry in Canada and elsewhere following Ben Affleck’s best picture Oscar for Argo. People are choked that Argo changes some of the events behind the Iranian hostage crisis and the Canadian efforts to get them out. If you’ve seen Argo but didn’t know about its massive Canadian connection, you should check out The Canadian Caper and get yourself educated on the matter.While Affleck did take liberties with the film (they had an easy exit out of the country, no last minute charges down the runway, the Americans wanted to be a film crew) and Canadians played a much bigger role in what happened that what’s portrayed in the movie, there are popular films  that got it way, way, way wrong. Today on The List, we’re going to break them down.

5) 300

I get that 300 is actually based off of Frank Miller’s graphic novel on the Battle Of Thermopylae,  but 300 is so far off what ancient Greece was like. Like way, way off. Persian king Xerxes was not an 8-foot-tall Cirque du Soleil reject. The Spartan council was made up of men over the age of 60, with no one as young as Theron (37). And the warriors of Sparta went into battle wearing bronze armor, not just leather tightie whities. They also weren’t any better human beings than the Persians, as Spartans owned slaves and regularly had sex with young boys. Stand up guys. As 300 is really more fantasy than reality, it goes in at number 5, but it got a LOT of things wrong.

4) The Patriot

Revolutionary War hero Francis Marion (Mel Gibsons character and basis for the awesome show Swamp Fox)  wasn’t the stand up family man they show in the movie. He owned slaves and didn’t get married until after the war was over. The woman he married? His cousin. Historians also say that he actively murdered harassed native Cherokees. And the thrilling Battle of Guilford Court House where he beats the British? In reality, the Americans lost.

3) Braveheart

Damn, where to start? How about with those wild kilts Wallace and his boys were rocking? For starters, no Scott during that era wore kilts, nor did they wear them for a long time. Not only that, the kilts they are wearing are actually completely backwards compared to how they were worn much, much later.  According to historians, it would be like doing a film on 18th century America and the men were wearing three piece Mad Men style suits, backwards. What else? Wallace is shown having an affair with Isabella of France before the battle of Falkirk. She would have been THREE at the time. Robert The Bruce did fight on both sides of the conflict, but he never betrayed Wallace directly. Also, Wallace is portrayed as a farmer and commoner which wasn’t the case at all.

2) Pearl Harbor

For starters, the scenes with Affleck and Josh Hartnet are flying around Hawaii, knocking dozens of Japanese Zero’s out of the sky did happen, but the actual amount of planes they shot down was far, far, far fewer than depicted in the film. They also weren’t zooming around at wave height. There are actually too many technical inaccuracies to mention here, but it should be noted that several Pearl Harbor veterans groups actively disputed what took place in the movie.

Also, no way in hell would fighter pilots be going on bombing runs to Tokyo. They fly fighter planes. Not bombers.

1) Gladiator

The historical inaccuracy of Gladiator is so bad it requires it’s own Wikipedia entry, as opposed to a blurb on the film’s main page. In fact, at the very top of said page, it has this line:  Historian Allen Ward of the University of Connecticut noted that historical accuracy would not have made Gladiator less interesting or exciting and stated: “creative artists need to be granted some poetic license, but that should not be a permit for the wholesale disregard of facts in historical fiction.”

It got pretty much everything wrong, stating Rome was founded as a Republic (it wasn’t), screwed up the architecture (the coliseum held way more people than stated), most of the linguistics were thoroughly incorrect (not to mention using actors with American & British accents in ROME), Commodus never died in the arena (however he fought as a Gladiator many times) and was 18 when his father died. He also never hooked up with his sister. Nor was it even hinted at.

So in the long run, if the Italians, Pearl Harbor veterans and the Scottish aren’t marching on Hollywood, then neither should we. Affleck took the most exciting parts of the Canadian Caper, added some more exciting events and focused far more on the minute role the CIA took in the exfil as opposed to the massive, yet nowhere near as exciting role, Canadians played in the matter.

Anyways, I enjoyed watching all of the above movies. Especially Argo (and not so much the lovey dovey stuff in Pearl Harbor) It’s a good movie.

JC/NB

I came up at the golden to end of the arcade game era. Arcades started disappearing right around when Nintendo/Super Nintendo really came on the public conscience, so as a young lad, of 5 to 12 years old, arcades were wonderful, magical places for someone to enter. Many were a little seedy, a little shady and generally a lot of fun. I pumped a lot of quarters into my favorite games over the years (back when games were only a quarter) and I’ve always had a big soft spot for arcade games ever since. If I had may way, I’d have a room full of arcade games. Today on The List, I’m running down the 5 machines that got the bulk of my money in the late 80′s to early 90′s. While not the most popular games (unfortunately I just didn’t like Bubble Bobble as much as these!), these were the ones I adored and really captured my imagination.

5) Golden Axe

Golden Axe was awesome because you could choose between being the Dwarf with the cool axe, the Conan-type with the broadsword and the bad ass Amazon warrior (my favorite was the dwarf, what a bad ass). I really liked playing this game because it was easy to make headway yet still had some cool challenges and always kept you coming back for more. It had really neat graphics and the console was always really eye catching.

4) Indiana Jones & The Temple Of Doom

Like a lot of kids, I was a massive Indiana Jones freak. I used to play the table top version of this game ad nauseum in the litle mall in Kindersley, Saskatchewan near where I grew up. This game was fun because it mirrored a lot of the action in the movie and instead of shooting, you whipped people. The mine cart level was what made it really fun and there were some pretty neat cut scenes in between levels.

3) Street Fighter II

Quite honestly, Street Fighter II is one of the best video games, ever. It set the standard for arena fighting games and spawned many, many imitators. The game was violent, but also had a great sense of humor and was always a little tongue in cheek. I loved it for it’s graphics, style and the fact that you were always evolving as a gamer, learning new moves to try on opponents both bots and other humans. You could choose many different players (I loved Zangief and Blanka) and the special challenges (like smashing up the car) made the game so much fun. I would pick this as number 1 if not for the nostalgia I feel for the other games.

2) Operation Wolf

Operation Wolf was awesome in arcade format, not as awesome on Nintendo. Why? Because of the freaking Uzi that was mounted on the arcade, that’s why. As a kid it was SO cool to pump a quarter into the console and become GI Joe for a few minutes, blazing away at bad guys left right and center. It was a typical side scrolling point and shoot game, but it was one of the best executed. Just don’t shoot the POW’s.

1) Double Dragon

I would call it one of my favorite video games period, that I still get a kick out of playing. The first 2-3 levels especially. The knife throwing, the whips, Abobo, et al. I have so many fond memories of playing the hell out of this arcade console and while I loved playing it on Nintendo, it was always so much better to play it on a stand up console. Every once in a while I still encounter a Double Dragon stand up and I can’t refuse a game.

What were your favorite arcade games? Wouldn’t it be cool if there was a grown up arcade in Calgary? With booze, foozeball and air hockey too?

JC/NB

Valentines Day is here and while Mrs. NB and I have gotten past the phase of having to show our love for one another through material goods, it doesn’t mean that we can’t enjoy Valentines day for what it’s supposed to be about: some quality, nice romantic time with your significant other.

I’m kind of a jerk when it comes to watching movies. If I’m not picking it, I don’t want to see it. And on Valentines Day, it’s not really the time for a John Wayne western, Tarantino or Star Wars.  You need a movie that has some ass kicking and a good love story/steaminess for your lady friend. Well fellas, you’re in luck,  because this week on The List, I’m detailing 5 kick ass awesome movies you can watch with your lady on Valentines Day.

5) Natural Born Killers

Two people hopelessly in love engage in a torrid, passionate and ill fated relationship. Their lives become hopelessly based around their undying passion for each other. Because nothing matters to them other than each other, society does not approve of such intense passion. And then Mickey and Mallory Knox jump in a Dodge Challenger and drive across the American southwest on a killing spree before living happily ever after.

Seriously, as much as this is mind-f*ck of a violent movie, there’s a pretty alright love story in there as well. Not for the squeamish.

Most romantic scene: Mickey & Mallory Get Married

Most Asskicking Scene: Mickey & Mallory rampage a roadside a diner to L7 (viewer discretion advised)

4) Braveheart

A Scottish patriot unites his country against the English, steals away his bride, his bride gets killed, he uses his anger to further fuel his anger towards the British, then nails a British queen-to-be, shows his ass during battle, engages in a whole bunch of bad ass mid evil warfare and wears a bunch of blue and red paint and a kilt. There’s some serious romance in Braveheart and some serious fighting and such. Plus there’s the extra bonus of pre-crazy Mel Gibson, which your lady should enjoy seeing.

Most Romantic Scene: William Wallace takes his lady night riding and romances the pants right off of her:

Most Asskicking Scene: Wallace pumps up the troops

3) Desperado

Guns. Antonio Banderas. Sultry Latin music. Guns.  Salma Hayek. Antonio Banderas romancing Salma Hayek. More guns. More music. More romance. More sultry latin lover stuff. The end.

Desperado is fun, romantic and kick-assy all at the same time. Can’t go wrong.

Most Romantic Scene: Salma sings, so soft & sultry.

Most Asskicking Scene: The bar shootout.

2) Top Gun

Sure, it’s considered pretty homo-erotic now, but you’ve got prime time Tom Cruise & Val Kilmer for the ladies (or dudes) and ultra-hot Kelly McGillis  for the dudes (or ladies. Because that’s what she prefers). You’ve also got some awesome intense (and cheesy) scenes between Maverick & Charlie (take me to bed or lose me forever or “mind if I take a shower?). Then you also get all the awesome dog fighting stuff and flipping the bird to MIG’s.

Most Romantic Scene: Take My Breath Away

Most Asskicking Scene: Flipping the bird

1) The Princess Bride

Fighting, rescuing princesses, dashing handsome masked men, escapes, comedy, sadness and a happy ending. This is what we all want, don’t we? I’ve yet to find anyone who can’t enjoy the Princess Bride on some level. Great for fellas and ladies alike.

Most Romantic Scene: As You Wish!

Most Asskicking Scene: Prepare to die…

JC/NB

Last week’s list about those annoying social media types that drive you insane and make you want to fling your phone/tablet/computer across the room really touched a nerve. For the most part, the reception went over well. So well in fact that I started hearing all kinds of other annoying Facebook/Twitter types that I missed out on. I thought why let a good thing die? So this week on The List, we’re going to run down 8 of the even more annoying social media users that were chosen by you guys.
Full disclosure: aside from one of these, I have been all of these at one time or another and I thank friends for telling me I was annoying. Make sure you do the same to your friends. Call that behavior out and make the internet a better place for all of us.

9) The Every Day Hero

“Cleaned my house, did the dishes, went for a run and it’s only noon!”

“Changed the oil, took the kids to hockey, helped my wife cook dinner and now I’m sitting down for a minute, what a day”

Congratulations folks, you’re doing normal stuff on a Saturday, just like everyone else. Except when we see these statuses, it makes you appear very un-interesting and lame. We all do stuff.

Where I’ve been guilty of this: Hey, sometimes a dude puts in some work and feels like bragging about it.

8 )  The Twitter feed  getting folded into Facebook

Stop. Just. Stop.

One reason why Facebook and Twitter work so well independently of each other is that they serve two completely different purposes. On Facebook it’s a way to interact with friends and keep in touch with loved ones. On Twitter, it’s a far better platform for ranting, getting news updates, following people you like and discussing live events. Twitter is built to be used and updated LOTS . Like every 60 seconds if you want to. Facebook is not for that. It doesn’t need to have information constantly pumped through it. Twitter uses hashtages. Hashtags are useless on Facebook.  All of this is fine and dandy until you get that one friend that decides to sych their Twitter feed into their Facebook. Suddenly you’re seeing someone’s tweets at other people, hashtags and a constant stream of updates from the user. Let Facebook be Facebook and let Twitter be Twitter. If your Facebook friends want to see your tweets, they’ll follow you on Twitter.

Say no to inter-social media platform marriage.

Where I’ve been guilty of this: I’ve never synched the two, but I have abused my Facebook statuses like they were tweets. Sorry friends.

7) Sad Pandas

You’re having a rough go. We get it. Your life sucks right now. In fact, as long as we’ve known you on social media, it’s always sucked. Do you ever smile? One of the downsides of social media is that it starts to numb our feelings of empathy towards others because a) we become used to constant streams of sadness from specific people and b) it’s easy to look away. However it doesn’t mean it’s not annoying to see streams of emo statuses and while you might think it’s making your friends sympathetic, it’s actually doing the opposite. If you really need help, specifically ask a friend. Don’t vaguely muse about your sadness. Just call a whaaaaa-mbulance.

Where I’ve been guilty of this: Back in the Myspace days I thought this was cool. No more.

6) The Over Zealous Pet Owner

Pet pictures. Pet updates. References to “fur babies”. All. Day. Long. While having and caring for a pet is serious business…is it that serious?

Where I’ve been guilty of this: Back in the day when Fortress was still with us, I was the walking embodiment of this person. In fact, I’m pretty sure I wrote the book. At least I never called him my fur baby. Sorry for all of that friends, but he was just so damn awesome.

5) Hashtagger

Hashtaggers run rampant in Instagram, Twitter & Tumblr and for some reason they’re starting to creep into Facebook territory.  You know what I’m talking about. A picture of someone’s burger pops up on Instagram and you get nailed with this: #random#instadaily #bestoftheday #yyc #hot #me #mylife #delicious #best #makesmehappy #love #lover #lovely #lovliest #omg #omfg #nomnomnom #nom #burger #fries #delicious #guiltypleasure #byebyediet

The purpose of hashtags is to allow other users search for tweets, posts and pictures that they might be interested in. It’s really useful for specific interests (ie I always hashtag #snowboard on my snowboarding pics on Instagram, because it allows riders all over the world to see my stuff and vice versa) However are people really searching for half of that stuff? As a general rule, I always assumed that 3 hashtags in a tweet was plenty and 5 tags on a photo were maximum. Apparently that’s not the case for everyone.

Also: There is no freaking reason for hashtags on Facebook. You can’t search Facebook via hashtags, so there’s NO FREAKING POINT. The small exception is importing an Instagram picture. And even then, be careful.

Where I’ve been guilty of this: Lots of it on Instagram when I was trying to build up followers. Then I realized how annoying it is so I rolled it back a little.

4) Fitness Person

Fitness Person is really two types of people. The person who’s always working out, training, doing sports, etc and the person who’s just starting to. Regardless of their fitness level, every time they’re in the gym, they’re tweeting about it. They’re Facebooking that evening’s exercise plan. Usually what healthy meal they’re having for dinner that night too. Expect lots of pictures of them in locker rooms or in the mirrors in front of the free weights too. There will also be lots of shared or re-tweeted graphics about “motivation”, “drive” and gym humor. A lot of people got to the gym, run and play sports. But we don’t need to tell everyone about it when we do.

Where I’ve been guilty of this: The first time I had a gym memebership in Calgary I thought I was the first man alive with Facebook and a gym membership. I apologize. I also frequently Facebook/Tweet/Instagram snowboarding things.

3) The New Mom

I’m probably going to get lynched for this one, but we all have had that new mom. It starts with the ubiquitous ultrasound-as-profile-pic (because you’re not a person anymore, just a vessel for a child) and then the  pregnant statuses. “Ugh I’m so fat. Pregger food rage! Give me donuts!”,  “I can’t even remember what it’s like to not be pregnant” then comes the baby, millions of baby pictures and statuses about sore boobs, no sleep, crying babies,  changing diapers, etc. If an intervention isn’t staged, expect pictures of a child’s first dump in a big boy toilet. Hey, having a child is a huge deal and I have no reason to doubt it changes your life. But not everyone needs to see it. In fact, I wonder how seasoned moms feel about it. Ever go “big deal, try having 5 kids?”. Just curious. If you really want to get a good laugh, check out STFUparents.

Where I’ve been guilty of this: I’m a man, so I can’t be a mom. And I’m not having kids. So I guess I’m just a jack ass on this one.

2) The Conspiracy Theorist

The Conspiracy Theorist is pretty sure the greys, working with the Zionists and the Illuminati, in league with the Freemasons are involved in a plot to control the world. They control the banks, the media, the military and all world governments. They were behind the outbreak of every war, 9/11, The sinking of the Titanic, the rise and fall of Communism, they faked the moon landing and they were involved in every single assassination of a world leader since the Middle Ages. And not only do they think this, they want YOU to think it too. They’re pretty helpful in that manner, sharing videos (Loose Change I & II, Zeitgeist), handy articles from less than legit sources and explanations of how seemingly normal news events are clearly the work of a conspiracy . The Conspiracy Theorist is generally pretty harmless, unless provoked with evidence that goes against the stuff they take as the gospel or if they’re asked simple questions they don’t have answers for. Expect to be called a “sheeple” , a “slave” and “brainwashed”.  I’ve been unfriended my more Conspiracy Theorists than anyone else on this or last weeks list. So beware.

Where I’ve been guilty of this: There was a brief period in my life where I though 9/11 was an inside job. It happened right after I watched Loose Change. Then I did my research.

I am now preparing for flames and links to 9/11 truther sites.

1)They Are  Saving The World, One “Share”, “Like” and “Retweet” At A Time

You’ve seen the posts “like this page if you want to stop cancer” “Share if you believe we should stop childhood abuse” and “retweet to end genocide”.

Does ANYONE actually think this f*cking works? Do you think there are cancer researchers saying “If only I had more likes on Facebook, it would inspire me to get this cancer cure going once and for all!” or the people abusing kids go “holy sh*t! 5000 Facebook shares? I’m not doing this anymore!”. Of course not, but thanks to the proliferation of social media and the “slacktivisim” that goes along with it, it’s enabled this weird state where we feel as if we’re contributing to solving the worlds problems with a click of the mouse. We don’t. Want to do something about these causes that you are jamming up people’s newsfeeds with? Get out there and volunteer or put your money where your mouth is. “Raising awareness” only goes so far.

Where I’ve been guilty of this: Sometimes people ask me for a retweet or to share some info with my Facebook friends. I try not to think my debt to society has been paid.

Did I miss anything else?

The internet is awesome. And compounded by that awesomeness is the rise of social media networks like Facebook and Twitter. I love social media for so many reasons. It allows us to communicate and share ideas in a very easy way. It’s very simple to stay in touch with friends and family and you can use to share your adventures, learn new things, quietly stalk celebrities and get up to the minute information from around the world.

However, there are also a growing number of downsides to social media. In addition to all of the privacy concerns, worries about hacking and scams, sometimes (or more than sometimes) the users on social media networks appear to be getting more….annoying.

Today on The List, I’m going to run down some of the more annoying social media users (Full disclosure: At one time or another I have been entirely guilty of all of these things. I try to keep it under control. However we all know there are plenty of people on Facebook & Twitter with no self control.) who make your unsubscribe/unfriend/unfollow finger itchy.

6) The Inspirational Quoter

....except walking.

I’m starting this list off nice and easy with our friend the inspirational quoter. I’m sure you have at least 2-3 of these people on your newsfeed. They pass on 2-3 lines of what they believe to be uplifting, life changing and happiness inducing pablum several times a day. Inspirational quoter believes they are changing the world one click at a time without realizing that for all of the quoting & sharing going on, they are making everyone numb to their up-lift-ing-ness. This problem has been additionally compounded by the proliferation of shareable “inspiring phrase pictures” on Facebook. So instead of copy & pasting text, all they have to do is hit share and your newsfeed looks like an un-ironic Jack Handy-eque book.

Where I’ve been guilty of this: Hey, sometimes I see a thought provoking something by a famous scientist/thinker/author. I can’t help it. I hit share.

5) The First World/White People Problems Bot

I get it, but seriously?

Facebook and Twitter allow people to vent about their problems, however minute. It makes us feel good to get a small beef off our chest and it makes us feel even better when friends chime in to share their experiences or to identify with our strife (however trivial it may be). We all do it to one extent or another but somewhere along the lines we have the friend or follower that thinks no one has real problems. It usually goes something like this:

You: “Oh my god I hate Calgary traffic. I can’t believe it took me 6 months to drive downtown from Tuscany!”

Them: “First world problems”

You: “WTF?”

Them: “There are people on this earth who can’t escape genocide, who can’t afford shoes, who could never dream of driving a car and YOU have the audacity to complain about how long it takes you to GET someone? Must be nice. ”

You: “Ummmm….ok…..”

Basically, this persons sole existence seems to be to tell you that your problems don’t matter due to your privileged of your skin colour/social standing/income/country of residence. We all have problems jerk. If you can’t handle a little venting, you shouldn’t be on the internet.

Where I’ve been guilty of this: Chastising teenagers complaining about Christmas gifts. Every. Damn. Time.

4) Vaguebookers

Exhibit: A

You know this person. Statuses & Tweets include such gems as…

“Waiting. When will it end?”

“I can’t shake this feeling”

“Take it all away”

I feel like the Vaguebooker is looking for someone to ask them what is wrong. Maybe they’ve got a real problem but they really want someone to 1) ask what’s wrong 2) make them feel better. Even if you chime in, they’re not going to give up the goods without a fight. One or two of these updates is one thing, but daily Vaguebook statuses are another. Get some help, friend.

Where I’ve been guilty of this: In the early days of social media I found myself being a vaguebooker, until a few friends called me on it and told me to cut it out. Thanks friends.

3) Compliment Fisherman

In a nutshell

The compliment fisherman is sailing the high seas of the internet, looking for someone, anyone to say something nice about them. They’ve got to be out there somewhere, don’t they? All it takes is a little skill, knowledge of your prey and the right bait!

Honestly, the Compliment Fisherman can be both male and female; gay or straight. They’re having a fat/ugly/bad hair/bad face/bad eyeball/bad shirt day and they need a little pick me up to get their groove going. What better way than to cast out into the seas of Facebook, Instagram & Twitter with a few of these gems:

“I feel fat”

“Ugh. So ugly today.”

“My hair sucks”

“I feel so un-pretty”

If the first text-based bait casts don’t work, they’ll move onto more succulent, irresistible means which usually involves a photo and the words “does this sweater make me look ugly?” or “My hips are so fat in this skirt” or my favorite “Are my boobs too big for this shirt?”

All of said bait-posts will likely be followed up by rabid replies from both sexes, proclaiming the fisherman’s beauty, grace, style and all around hotness and sex appeal.

Where I’ve been guilty of this: For Skywalkers sake, I might like a new item of clothing and I want YOU to tell me you like it too!

2) Constantly Looking For A Fight Guy

Come at me bro!

This guy is views the world like a poorly-endowed tough guy views the bar: Anyone is an opponent at any given time. And they will NOT hesitate to throw down to prove themselves to the world. Looking for a fight guy likes looking for political, ethical, sports related or even mundane arguments across the internet. He doesn’t care if he’s being inappropriate or embarrassing the original poster to his friends, family or followers, but he’s going after what you have to say, letting your know how stupid you are, how wrong your are and how you really should be bowing down to his big brain. Looking For A Fight Guy does well on Facebook, but on Twitter it’s basically the Royal Rumble, where there’s no holds barred and he can throw down against anyone, anywhere, so long as they haven’t blocked them. Got a favorite sports team? This person will tell you it sucks. Have political opinions? Guess what, motherf*cker, they are WRONG! Looking for a fight guy makes you curious about their mental well being, because the seem to be angry all the freaking time.

Where I’ve been guilty of this: Many places, many times. Until the intervention of friends. This is why I try to keep political talk to a minimum, sports trash talking sequestered to Twitter and why I brace myself any time I post a piece of music I like. I have been this man for a significant period of my life and I am walking away from the lifestyle.

1) Spammers

Anything that interests them, makes them smile or makes them outraged, they click “share” or retweet. All. Damn. Day. Everything that crosses their path that they find remotely interesting, cute, entertaining, angering they share it with you. It clogs up your newsfeed to the point where you want to walk away from Facebook & Twitter altogether. It’s like not seeing the forest for the trees. Staaaaaahhhhhp.

Where I’ve been guilty of this: Pretty much every single day. If you are friends with me on Facebook or Twitter, I pass on a lot of the information that I find interesting in a day. I read and go over a lot of stuff in pursuit of my job so there’s a lot of links flying around. I sincerely apologize if I spam you too much. Trust me, I’m only posting 1/4 of the things I enjoy, read or lol at during a day.

Who did I miss kids?
JC